to the baby i will never have

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hello baby, i'm your mummy. aren't you a sweetheart? you have my dark, dark eyes i see. what a beauty. and you are so warm in my arms, you feel wonderful, little child of mine. i wanted to pen you some words before i forget them. well, before i chase them from my mind in the pretense of preferring a package holiday and a good night's sleep. i just wanted to tell you that i love you. that i'm proud of everything that i never gave you a chance to become. i wanted to tell you that i'm sorry that i put myself in a position where i would never meet you.i wanted to tell you that i think about you every day. about what you might have been. i think about how it feels to hold you in the middle of the night, my eyelids drooping, dripping with the insanity of tiredness. i think about the sweet, sickly smell of formula. i think of burning my hands with the milk, too hot. waiting. i just wanted to chat with you awhile. i needed you to know that i wanted you desperately. if things were different maybe you would be here with me now, on my knee. laughing. crying.i can't wait to get to know you, my hopes say. i can't wait to see your little legs kicking - i can't wait to try and decipher th......

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